Recently I read the September 2017 edition of Focus on the Family's "Bulletin." A copy is placed in each of our church mailboxes once a month. It is intended to be an encouraging and nurturing resource for people of faith with short articles and faith based tidbits.
When I turned to the back (see photo), I was pleased to see the question in the "Family Matters" section. You see, we have set "Marriage Enrichment" as a two year priority at Pigeon River and the question asked is one that I believe needs to be addressed in many marriages, "There are certain things that my spouse does that annoy me. Can you offer any advice on how to change her?"
After reading that question, the immediate response in my mind was, "Sure can. The answer is 'don't.' Next question?" Unfortunately, the answer given (as you can see by reading the article) took a different tact, one that I am not convinced is helpful because it legitimizes an unhealthy question.
To be fair the answer given in the "Bulletin" was adapted from a source that I have not read. Perhaps this was a poor adaptation of that source material. And to be honest, the advice given isn't all bad. It ends by saying, "It's possible to help your spouse drop an irritating habit - as long as it's the habit you're trying to change. If you're trying to alter your spouse's personality or temperament, you'll be fighting a losing battle that will end in frustration for both of you." That's pretty sound advice, but it seems to me that even this is not the answer to the question that was originally asked. Rather this would be the answer to a different question like, "How do I share my frustration about my spouse's habit with integrity and compassion?" But that was not the question that was asked. The question asked was about changing one's spouse and if the question is for advice on how to change her (or him for that matter), in my opinion the simple answer is "don't."
Here's what I mean...
1. Your spouse is created in the image of God. Like all of us, that image has been marred by life in this fallen world. But it is not your spouse that needs to be changed. God has created him or her as a unique creation and since marriage is a choice to make a commitment to a person "for better or worse," those of us who are married have chosen to accept that person for whom he or she has been created to be. To attempt to change our spouse is at the least a betrayal of our wedding vows and at the worst, an conceited attempt to improve on God's intended design for your spouse.
2. It seems to me that a person whose question is primarily about how to change their spouse, is also a person who is likely rather blind to their own short comings and annoying habits. Let's be real here. We all have annoying habits, perhaps some more so than others; but we all have them. Instead of focusing on the change that needs to happen in your spouse, spend a little time listening and evaluating the change that needs to happen within you. In the words of Jesus, "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Rather than focus on the short comings of your spouse which you have no ability to change (#9 in the article's answer), focus on what you can change, yourself. Doing so may bring about three benefits: 1. Distracting you from what annoys you about your spouse, 2. Leading by example rather than criticism, and 3. Improving your relationship with your spouse as you annoy him or her less in the process.
3. Rather than ask how you can change your spouse, perhaps a better and more useful question would be, "What does your annoyance with your spouse's habit say about you?" Ok, so one of your spouse's habits annoys you. You may not be able to change that habit or your feelings about it; but you still get to choose how you respond to these circumstances. What does it say about you that your first and/or primary reaction to this annoying habit in your spouse is to find ways to change the other person? Perhaps the person who really needs to change/grow in the relationship is you. Perhaps the fact that you are annoyed by something that your spouse does is really God's gentle prodding to suggest that this is a growth area for you. Or perhaps it is God's gracious way of giving you an opportunity to grow in your own person-hood. Perhaps it is like the person who prays to God to help them to learn patience but then gets frustrated when they are faced with difficult circumstances that require patience. How better to learn patience than to have to choose to practice it in real life? How better to grow in life than to face adversity that will require you to grow through the experience?
Perhaps another way of saying this is, change your focus. Your marriage is not all about YOU. Or as Gary Thomas puts it on page 33 of his book Sacred Marriage, "The Key question is this: Will we approach marriage from a God-centered view or a self-centered view? In a self-centered view, we will maintain our marriage as long as our earthy comforts, desires, and expectations are met. In a God-center view, we preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator."
Look, I believe that God has created us to be who we are. I also believe that we have choices about how we choose to behave. And I believe that by the resurrection power of Jesus Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit that real change is possible. At the same time, I don't believe that it should be the mission of any one of us to change another person, especially not our spouse. Change in people is God's work. And I can't help but think that many of the increasing number of struggling marriages in our society today could be a little healthier if we stopped believing that the problem in the marriage is our spouse. In reality, there is a very good chance that the problem in our marriages is actually at least as much us, if not more, us than them. Which is why, if someone asked me for advice about how to change his or her spouse, my simple answer would be "don't."
*Quote taken from Sacred Marriage: what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy? by Gary Thomas, pg. 39. Recommended reading for those who want to go deeper.
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