Article 19: Family, Singleness and Marriage Sermon 3-6-11

Article 19: Family, Singleness, & Marriage – life-giving relationships

March 6, 2011

BMC- Eph. 5:21-33; 6:1-4 & I Cor. 7:32-40 (The Message)

Introduction: Who would you choose?

Dave: To begin this morning, Beth and I are going to do a little game of “Who Would You Choose?” I’m going to name a situation and then name two people who could help her with that. She will then choose which one she would call on for help in that situation.

First one, your computer has just frozen up and nothing you try is making it better. Who would you choose… a trained computer technician with 20 years of experience or your Grandma Hardman who knows how to turn her computer on?

Beth: the computer technician

Dave: OK, next one. Your microwave oven is on the fritz and won’t warm up your lunch for you. Who would you choose… a GE repairman with training in microwave repair or your next door neighbor who makes an awesome taco dip in the microwave?

Beth: a GE repairman

Dave: Alright, one more. You’re feeling some pain in your chest and are concerned that something is really wrong. Who would you choose… a cardiologist with who has spent years treating people’s heart conditions or your mom’s friend who has had triple by-pass surgery?

Beth: a cardiologist

Dave: Well, it seems like in each situation, you chose the person with the most experience or knowledge to come and help you with your problem. I think that most of us would do the same. The irony of this is that today’s article is on Family, Singleness, and Marriage and we are some of the most inexperienced people here on this topic.

Beth: We have only been parents for about 8 years now when many of you have grand children and even great grandchildren. You should be up here speaking to us.

Dave: We have only been married 10 and a half years when many of the couples here today have been married for 25, 50 or more years. You should be up here speaking to us.

Given that when we got married, I was 23 and Beth was 21, I only had 5 years of experience as a single adult and Beth had 3. Many of you have had more experience with that whether by your choosing or not. You should be the one’s up hear speaking to us.

Singleness: Dave

In fact, it seems to me that historically, the Christian Church in general has not done a very good job of understanding or honoring the role of singleness. We have tended to look at those who are single as people who have not yet fully arrived, who have not yet experienced the whole that life has to offer.

Because of this, we have a tendency to take on the role of matchmaker, trying to pair up those who are not yet hitched. And there are times when this is welcome and appropriate. Yet there are also times when this is forced and unwanted. There are also times that the way that we name things is isolating. I still remember as a child that my parents were a part of a class called Pairs and Spares. At the time it seemed catchy and cute, but in the years since I have heard the pain that such names cause with the implication that a single is just a spare, not a whole, valued person.

In her book Quitting Church: why the faithful are fleeing and what to do about it, Julia Duin devotes one of her chapters to why singles over 35 are saying good-bye to the church. She shares that according to census information from 2006 that 50.3% of all American households are headed by singles. What’s more is that statistically, singles are less likely to attend church on a weekly basis than are those that are married. She raises important questions about where singles fit in the broader scope of the church and whether or not we are doing enough to reach out to this growing segment of our culture.

We have many people in our congregation who for one reason or another are single people. And to be honest, I don’t really know how each of you feel about this or how you feel as a single that is a part of Bethel. My hope is that overall you feel welcome and valued or you probably wouldn’t still be here. Yet given our cultural and even our broader church trend of focusing in on couples and marriages; I value the reminder that our article and our passage from Paul give us this morning about valuing the singles in our midst as an important part of our congregation.

I Corinthians 7:32-40 gives Paul's perspective on singleness. Here we read that not only does he support singleness, but he actually advocates for it. From his perspective, living single is a life that is free from the distractions of marriage that may take our attention away from God. It's not that it is wrong to marry; it's just that he sees it as a distraction.

Paul advocates singleness and yet he makes it clear that marriage is not a sin. The fact that he names this suggests that his audience may have wondered if being married might be a sin. This seems like quite the opposite perspective of the church as we have historically known it; a church that praises marriage and asks those who are single when they are going to tie the knot and settle down, as if they are not complete until they do so.

Paul's affirmation of singleness should give us pause and encourage us to consider more deeply the merits of singleness and how we as a church include singles into the life of the family of the church. It should also give us pause to consider more deeply what the good or benefits of marriage really are and what our roles as spouses should be.

Marriage – Women: Beth

So what does our passage say about married couples? Wives should likewise submit to their husbands. I have to admit this passage has always bothered me. I am not a submissive person. I grew up in a household that had a lot of role reversals. My dad was the one who was home when we got out of school. On weeknights my dad did all the cooking and my mom is the one who walked in the door at 5:30. Not your typical American family.

When Dave and I started dating I remember telling him that I had unusual expectations for my husband because of the role I saw my dad play in my life. Men can cook, do house work, and care for children. I was looking for a man like my dad. My model of a marriage was of two people walking together and sharing life and the responsibilities in an equal way.

So therefore when I read the word “submit” in our passage today it makes me cringe. The word “submit” makes me think of someone overpowering me, forcing me to obey. My very being riles against anyone forcing me to do something against my will.

In my study for today I found out that the Greek meaning of the word is very different than what I have always perceived this word to mean, and very different from how some have used this passage to dominate women. In Greek, the word “submit” means to support and to uphold. To support, to uphold, I like that. Paul is not saying that husbands are to dominate their wives. He is also not saying that wives should be doormats for their husbands. Instead the scripture shows us that a wives submission is to come out of our love support of our husband. I felt a light bulb turn on after realizing the true meaning of this verse.

James S. Hewett tells this story. “A tyrannical husband who demanded that his wife conform to rigid standards of his choosing. She was to do certain things for him as a wife, mother, and homemaker. In time she came to hate her husband as much as she hated his list of rules and regulations. Then, one day he died—mercifully as far as she was concerned.

“Some time later, she fell in love with another man and married him. She and her new husband lived on a perpetual honeymoon. Joyfully, she devoted herself to his happiness and welfare. One day she ran across one of the sheets of “dos and don’ts” her first husband had written for her. To her amazement she found that she was doing for her second husband all the things her first husband had demanded of her, even though her new husband had never once suggested them. She did them as an expression of her love for him and her desire to please him.”

I love my husband, and I do just about everything in my power to support and uphold him. Not because I have to, but because I want to. God calls us as wives to be supporters and upholders.

The passage also makes a parallel between a wives support and upholding of her husband to the support and upholding that the church must give to Christ. The Message says in, Verse 23-24, that the husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

When I think about this parallel it amazes me. To put Christ in my old interpretation of this scripture would be to make Christ like a domineering husband. Our Lord is the FARTHEST thing from domineering. Christ is our ultimate model for submission. Jesus did not resist arrest. Jesus did not fight those who harmed him. Jesus gave the ultimate gift of his perfect life for our sins. How could we feel oppressed and put upon by a Lord who has already given up everything for us?

Phil 2:1-8 says, “¹ Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, ² then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. ⁵ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: ⁶ Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; ⁷ rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. ⁸ And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!”

Jesus is our ultimate example of what is means to submit, and the passage from Ephesians says that we as a church are to submit to Christ. We gladly do this, we uphold and support Christ by giving up our time, our energy and our resources to give others the chance to know Jesus. And if we are to submit to Jesus who gave us everything he had, then we too are called to give our all.

So now I understand, this scripture that I have always scorned, perhaps even hated. Jesus submitted himself to God, is Jesus inferior? No! And we as a church are called to submit to Jesus, the one who gave us everything. To submit does not mean to weaken. It means to support to uphold, to love. I want to uphold and support my husband. So I guess after all, I am a submissive wife, and I pray that I always will be.

Marriage – Men: Dave

To me what is most unfortunate about this passage is our tendency to leave parts of it out. Beth has named the importance of keeping the life of Christ in perspective when we consider what it means for a wife to submit to her husband. Unfortunately, we also tend to leave out the context that this passage is a part of.

Verse 21 calls us to be reverent to one another. This is a mutual call. Then verse 25 gives instructions to husbands. All too often, readings of this passage end with verse 24; but verse 25 goes on to tell us that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. We should love our wives as we love our own bodies.

I have no problem with hierarchical marriages in which the husband is the head, as long as it is done with the whole of this passage in view. When this passage is used to degrade, minimize, and subjugate women, it seems to me that it is an oppressive, self-serving misuse of the text much like those passages that allow for slavery were used against African Americans. But when it calls both parties in the marriage to love and serve each other, it is a beautiful thing.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that while there is truth in what Paul says about marriages being distractions from the work of ministry; I would not be nearly the pastor that I am if it were not for being married. In the first place, I have her love and support to carry me through the times when I may be down or discouraged.

But more than that, the lessons that I learn from being married to Beth carry over into my ministry. Beth and I have exactly opposite personality types. This brings a balance to my life that I would otherwise be missing. It has also taught me to find ways to work through difficult situations with someone who sees the world very differently than I do. It has taught me to let go of wanting to have something done my way and to realize that God may do something profound through her way that I would have totally missed. And I have gained a deeper understanding of what it means not only to love, but to be truly loved. Under these circumstances, marriage is a life-giving relationship.

Children/Family: Beth

Ephesians 6: 1-4

“^1-3 Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life." ⁴Fathers, don't exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”

Ok, kids now it is your turn. We have talked about wives, husbands and adults who are single. So what about you? Did you catch what the bible passage I read had to say to you?

It says, “Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life.”

I know that doesn’t sound easy all the time, and I know that perhaps you will not believe me when I tell you this, but your parents know what they are talking about.

Mark Twain once said, "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in 7 years."

As you grow older your attitude toward your parents will change. Many of you as you mature will begin to recognize that your Mom and Dad know a lot more than you give them credit for. Some of you may even come to realize, with regret, that if you had followed what your parents taught you, you would have avoided difficult and hurtful situations in life.

Plus, you actually get something out of your obedience to your parents, A long and happy life. That does not sound so bad to me.

Parents this passage also has a warning for us though. We are not to exasperate our children by coming down hard on them. Kids are kids, they make mistakes and it is our job to lead them in the way of the master. We cannot guide our children if they live in fear of us.

Imagine you had two options of people to lead you though a maze. One who would yell at you and rebuke you if you took a wrong turn, or one who took your hand and walked with you. Who would you choose as your guide? I think that answer is obvious. We are called to take our children’s hands and guide them on the path.

Conclusion: Dave

All of these relationships and roles are important for our society, but also for our faith. Whether we be single, married, a child or an adult; we are a part not only of our birth family but also our family of faith.

As a congregation, we need to be intentional about honoring and valuing these various relationships. We need to be intentional about practicing them as life-giving relationships when so much of our world uses these relationships for their own purposes of power and greed. May God be an integral part of our relationships and may the love of God in our lives breathe life into these relationships and into us.

Amen.